A NEW ORDER
"Good morning.
"Glorious to see so many of you in attendance this morning.
"My name is Brother Doob, and I'm your guide, or travel agent so to speak, through the mundane spiritualities that are the Church of Copticology.
"Frankly, I must admit, I'm more than a little surprised at this mornings turnout. The other Heads of the church, not just myself, were a little dubious as to what kind of conversion rate to expect out here in an area where the archaic beliefs of our well established competition are so predominant.
"I realize the majority of you are here out of curiousity: to see what we have to offer which our competition doesn't. That's always been the way with the church. When it fails in its obligation of fulfillment to its congregation, that congregation seeks gratification elsewhere, which is how reformations and revolutions are born, provided they are led by a visionary, such as our Supreme Head L. RonDonna Leary.
"You're wondering what it is Copticology has to offer? Let me enlighten you. Is life meaningless? is there a gap that needs plugging? Suffer from hyperactivity or terminal melancholy? Look no further, the Church of Copitcology is what you've been seeking.
"Copticology offers a meaningfulness to life heretofore unexperienced. Modernized communion rituals allows the individual to commune with their individual deity, giving life purpose, working towards goals, divinely inspired - which are necessary for the church's continued prosperity -- and, uh, an individual's salvation.
"We plug the gaps evident in so many seekers lives. Mundane spiritualities offered by the Church breathes new life into the member, giving life purpose again. The Church is always there to be served. The individual prospers form the Church's guidance; the Church profits from its association with its members.
"Infirmities of a chaotic world are pushed aside when the hallowed doors are entered. Individuals come to commune with their deities, through communal breaking of Root with brothers of the faith, where the chaotic rat race is obliterated. Communion produces a mind uncluttered of all anxieties, leaving room only for relaxation and laughter; communion means being at peace with yourself and your world.
"Communion is most meaningful within these sacrosanct walls, but wherever two are gathered in the name of L. RonDonna Leary, communion is possible, assuming the Root is available.The Church isn't a physical structure, but rather a body of people sharing similar ideals. These ideals are too much of a departure from the traditional for most to take seriously, as history notes. But as history also notes, when beliefs are found relevant, they endure, as more and more believers take up their cause - such are the Copticological beliefs.
"As your travel agent, I must warn you however. Because religious toleration has never been one of humanity's strengths, there will be those who scoff at your beliefs, while trying to diminish them, there will be those constantly espousing the predominate, archaic beliefs, there will be those who persecute you and try and imprison you for practicing your belief in the power of Holy Communion. Stand firm in your Copticological beliefs and the Church will be behind you - (ahem, far behind you).
"After assimilation into the Coptocological Church, though, it's doubtful any other beliefs will be capable of in invading your consciousness.
"Certain doctrinal policies are probably of interest. The Copticological Church teaches not denial but indulgence. There's no hypocrisy here. Denial has always been maintained to be the path to salvation.
"Well, we here at the Church of Copticology think that's a bunch of unmitigated bullshit. Denial means trading off all the joys of this life for the uncertainties of the next - provided there even is a next. We believe judgment will be much harsher if you've wasted this life denying yourself. What will you and your deity have to discuss? The only caveat being learning must be always taking place. if your indulgence causes others pain and it continues, that's going to be a couple of demerits.
As for hurting yourself, come on, we're all adults here, if masochism is your kick -- go with it. It comes from a fine time-honored archaic religious tradition after all.
And who knows? Your own demise might be hastened, enabling introduction to your deity all that much sooner. Could be a plus, though the Heads haven't quite reached full agreement on this issue yet.
"All religions required sacrifice. Copticology is no different. You're going to have to sacrifice all those traditional holidays you've become familiar with.
Once fully indoctrinated into the Church of Copticology, December 25 becomes just another day to break Root - though we encourage doing so with familial units - as will that Thursday in November - though edibles are allowed and encouraged by the Church on this occasion - and that Sunday in late March early April. These are bastardized, crassly commerical days now, which serve no other purpose than to bolster the finances of our archaic competition.
"Consider, once Copticology holds sway, no more inane TV jingles to the tune of your favorite Christmas song you love to hate!
"In the interest of plugging gaps however, there is 4/20 week, when new root is ready for harvest, where there is a week long orgy of indulgence and fun of all earthly varieties including uninterrupted communion.
"Our utilization of financial resources is significantly better than that of our archaic peers. When you put your money into their coffers, who knows where it goes, to feed the hungry millions of the world, for medical supplies to some third world nation, to house the homeless? Those are their answers, yet they've been doing it for years and those conditions are still rampant. Makes you wonder. Or are you just the source of hush money for those old gray-haired guys unduly enamored of pre-teens drooling down their clerical collars, pounding and wetting themselves?
"The Church of Copticology believes in keeping its' money closer to home and enriching the quality of life for its members, which is why we're presently funding a study, conducted by a prominent sociologist, to determine the more aggressive of the human species in singles bars, where desperation is often at its peak. So far the results have proved elusive and inconclusive as the man is hard to find. He has maintained in his brief instant messages he's making progress, though he fears the study may take two or three years longer than originally allotted to the project.
"We've also made some astute investments which will further the economic growth of the community, not to mention the church. Since we know the Root to be the panacea for all ills, we've committed to making it available to all. For a nominal yearly subscription to RootforLife.org, Root will be provided free of charge to believer and heretic alike.
"This concludes your introduction to the Church of Copticology. Remember our philosophy deals with individuality, doing your own thing.
There's no hypocrisy here.
This eliminates all the emotions the archaics feed off - like guilt and regret - which they espouse as being absolutely necessary for eventual redemption but make for an anxious and unhappy life on this mortal coil.
Think not about what you've done, but what you have yet to do, the world will be a much easier place in which to live - especially after the breaking of the communal Root.
"Don't' forget, assimilation procedures for novices begin in five minutes in Laboratory C down the hall.
Efforts to avoid these sessions could be severely deleterious to your mundane spirituality. Its recommended everyone attend.
Also don't forget the offering plates in the rear for the Mandatory Offering. Give whatever you can, so long as it's at least fifty bucks -- the holy communal Root doesn't come cheap anymore. Besides this is no fly-by-night operation.
"With that, I welcome you heartily, and would like to say I hope you profit from your union with the Copticological Church as much as the the Church is going to profit from you.
"Now rise, go in a haze, in the name of Supreme Head L. RonDonna Leary.